An Ode to All the Single Christian Ladies….
There exists greater woe than being a single Christian woman. Whether you are a born again spirit filled holiness Pentecostals or a liberal, existentialist attending non-denominational church (or churches) in the city, you know what I’m talking about. These are my humble musings, vents and observations regarding life as a single Christian lady. The following is not meant to ostracize or offend anyone, single, married, female, Christian or otherwise.
Young girls raised in the church are constantly fed a feast of conflicting ideas. On the one hand, we are free in Christ, encouraged to go expand our horizons. We are encouraged to go to college, explore our identities in Christ, and follow in the footsteps of our spiritual mothers Rebecca, Ruth and Beth Moore. Yet at the same time, while we are taught life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, we are also a slave to a singular truth. (Not the one mentioned in the Creed) This pure and holy call has been subliminally bombarded into our psyche since the veggie tale days. It is this: to marry to one man, to love him, serve him and bear him many children until death do you part. Despite what our spiritual leaders explicitly say, the message us Christian girl receive is that our horizons are only open as wide as the man in (or not in) our life. If we have not yet fulfilled this sacred call (or if you tried and failed); what follows is a horrible sense of failure, defeat and well…fear.
It begins in the youth group years: Where well-meaning hot married Christians bombard the young minds with messages of purity and kissing dating goodbye. Us good Christian girls wore our purity rings with pride, we never showed an inch of cleavage and we scoffed at the girls who did date. “PLEASE, you’re in high school, you don’t know what it means to have a boyfriend.” Or the ever popular, “You guys aren’t really dating.” (Um…yeah, that’s the point jerks) We good girls were painted a magical picture, of some Jesus like prince coming alongside riding upon a white horse and to come and that was when our lives would begin. I know. I was the goodest girly girl of them all, I didn’t date or even give boys the time of day. All the women in my church praised me for these wise choices and for being a good godly example to my peers. But let’s be honest, with fiery visions of Jim Caviezal coming to sweep me off my feet, why would I give teenage, pimple faced, Dopy, Goofy and Sneezy the time of day. This is the first major set up for being a miserable single Christian adult. No, I didn’t date or kiss or hold hands with a boy in youth group, but I also missed out on learning how to be in a relationship, even if it wasn’t “real.”
From youth group it’s off to college. Where suddenly, you go from can’t have a boy to NEED A BOY. Little whispers of a nameless fear enter the girl’s mind. For some Christian campuses it’s called, “ring by spring,” but clearly the idea is, find your husband…NOW! Despite what we were told, college is the place where you meet your husband, not where you learn. For most of us Christian girls college was one big Cinderella ball, where the “princes,” studying to be minsiters or baseball stars came to select their perfect wifey. For me it felt like the fulfillment of that prophecy in Isaiah 4:1 that says “In that day seven women will take hold of one man and say, “We will eat our own food and provide our own clothes; only let us be called by your name. Take away our disgrace!” It was just as important to us to earn a man as it was to earn that psychology degree. It’s the same payoff, respect in the community, broader prospects in our future (especially if we want a career in the church) and lots of bragging rights. Your husband, in the Christian world, is your covering and your credentials. Once your married, suddenly you are respected, honored and thought of as one of the wise ones. The trouble is, many are called but few are chosen. And the girls like me who were not chosen, or were just plain abandoned, know what it is to be standing outside the wedding feast, where there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Out of college, the single Christian woman has a desperate predicament. Most of her girlfriends are either married or off in serious relationships, (and Christian girls are just brutal when it comes to making their single girlfriends feel two inches tall). Without a husband, her career choice (in the Christian field) is desperately limited, unless she has the proper connections. Most likely, she is bound for a career in the real world, which would be fine…except she had always thought her career would be inextricably woven in with her husband’s. She soon realizes out in the real world, being a Christian single is like being a drunken polar bear in the Sahara on national poacher day. All of her well-meaning non-Christian friends try to hook her up with guys at the bar who just want to get it in. The field of single Christian men by this time has been nearly picked clean, save for the ones choosing to stay celibate forever ( of course the most handsome, glorious men alive) , the ones with some sort of undiagnosed psychological disorder (these ones are cute but kind of frightening) and the ones who are too hot and holy for a girl who doesn’t look like Carrie Underwood.
This is where I find myself, and too many of my bright beautiful passionate single girlfriends find themselves. We may not say it outright, but we feel lost, lonely, frustrated, and confused and sometimes we wonder if there is something wrong with us. Is there? Did we do something wrong? Are we too opinionated, too fat, too small breasted? Do we just not have enough faith?
No.
There is nothing wrong with you, single lady.
You are not going to die an old bitter virgin Sunday school teacher.
This is a chance for you to learn and here are some of the things I have learned…
1. You were miss-lead, mourn it and re-learn
I am sure the ones who beat us with the purity stick meant well. But let’s face it, they treated us less than human. You are a real, live, glorious sexual and biological human being. Finding a man and having sexy sex with him is sort of kind of written into your DNA. That hot mess of a season when you want to eat the shirt of the kid wearing old spice was God ordained. It is these years where you learn to handle all those hormones. You learn how to flirt, how to behave on a date, the kind of guy you like and the kind of guy you can’t stand. Calm down, I don’t mean we should’ve slept with those boys. I’m saying that youth group should have been a safe place for us to learn to cultivate meaningful relationships with boys and girls. Instead of sharing with us the horrors of wedlock, the leaders should have been sharing their own love stories, teaching us about sexuality (NOT in the edited, glossed over, innuendo way they tried to give us). Us girls should have burned our copies of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” and picked up books like “Captivating,” and “Sex God,” (A book by the anti-Christ I mean…Rob Bell). Sorry ladies but the countless lectures on being “pure in spirit and heart” just made us afraid we had lust problems because that sex scene in The Notebook made us feel tingly.
So sithe happens. Do we blame Pastor Pete or Sister Suzy? No, they really did care about us, but it’s to get busy. You don’t have to pretend you don’t want to feel sexy and DARE I say some days you feel just straight up horny. The worst possible thing you can do for yourself is to avoid thinking about sex until you’re married. For goodness sakes, take the sex ed class your parents opted you out of in highschool, read one of the myriad of excellent books on sexuality (if you’re super daring read a non-Christian one). You’re a big girl, you can handle it. Talk to your girlfriends about sex, the married ones, the single ones, the Christian ones, the non-Christians ones, it will make you feel much less alone in the world. I promise, you won’t become addicted to porn. If your heart is to grow, learn and try to come to peace with sex, you’ll get it! If any girl lacks wisdom she should ask God and he will give her the wisdom she seeks. I’ve studied (Christian books, biology textbooks, secular books sexuality), I’ve listened to sermons (Matt Chewning from Netcast church did a series on sexuality which I highly recommend) listened to tons of lectures by my awesome mentor and even asked God what to do about this thing called sexuality. And do you know what happened? I found peace, hope for my sexual future, gained a high respect for sex and sexuality and I didn’t get struck by lightening!
And one more thing…be careful not to fall for the “God’s your man you should be satisfied with him,” bit. God is NOT a man. He came to earth as a man, but he is not a man that he should physically live with you, have sex and raise a family with you. He is holy, sacred, and high above us. He encompasses both man and woman, but is also gloriously beyond gender. Yes, God comforts, protects, loves and should be the center of our lives. But he’s not a biological human being that fills the gap that HE made for a man in your life. The next time some busy body tries to tell you that you should be satisfied with God as your husband, feel free to yell something along the lines of, “God said it is not good for a man to be alone! For this reason a man shall leave his family and cling to his wife!” If they didn’t walk awkwardly away, maybe just kick their shin and run. (Best advice my mentor ever gave)
2. There is no shame in being without a man. You’re actually cool without him.
Yes, this sounds incredibly cliché, but it’s is one of the hardest things for a girl to bring from her head to her heart. Like I said, biologically all we want is a big strong man, to have lots of sexy time with, go hunt meat and protect our many offspring. Similarly, our souls longs for a divine romance. We long to be someone’s only, we ache to be held and kissed and FOR ONCE we want to go to the Cheesecake factory with our own beloved. If girls do not have this, for some reason we think we are unlovable. This is NOT the truth. Romance is glorious and wonderful, but if you don’t have it at the moment, is NO reflection on you as a person.
As cliché and frustrating as it sounds, you are blessed in this season, just as blessed as all your married girly friends. While the other girls spent their lives changing themselves to please a man, you spent hardcore time learning about who you are. You chuckle to yourself when your married girlfriends have to ask their husbands permission to go see a movie with you. You think it’s pretty silly your married girlfriend can’t say the word ‘vagina,’ without cringing like she dropped the F bomb. You’ve spent many nights alone, but you know your man will be your partner, not your master. Your husband will be relieved when you tell him (not ask) you’re going out for a girl’s night. He will recognize how healthy it is for a woman to have good solid, intimate friendships with other girls and think how fortunate he is to have someone so whole. Your husband will be so blessed by how real you are, how you respected yourself enough to not settle for cocky seminary college jr. Your husband won’t have to be sexually neglected by you; he won’t have to deal with you having a guilt attack every time you have sex with him in only the missionary position. And girly, every day that passes, you become more and more of an enviable, well rounded, honorable, seasoned human being. You single lady are wise beyond your years.
3. Hater’s gon’ hate and playa’s gon play. You stay right.
People are little shits no matter if you’re a Christian, a Muslim, an atheist, a scholar, a slut, druggy or Mother Theresa. Yes, Sister Susan is going to try to set you up with the short bald guy at church. Yes, your girlfriends are going to say “Oh, you’re so lucky to be single, I wish I was single,” as they smile coyly. It’s ok. In the words of Kanye; you stay right girl. For the joy set before you, gracefully endure the pettiness. Again, if it’s in your heart, you will fall desperately and helplessly in love and you will get married someday. God is not shallow or catty or cruel. It is not his will for you to be alone. You don’t have to be terrified that maybe God called you to be single. Stay strong, don’t be afraid and don’t be desperate, whether you’re the 22 year old virgin girl whose never been in love, the young divorcee who made the mistake of getting married too young, the single mom who was abandoned by some jerk, or the girl with 13 heartbreaks and 13 brides ‘maids gowns in her closet. This season will pass.
4. And most importantly, when your time comes, remember those left behind.
Once you’ve found “the one,” remember the girls who still wage war alone on the battlefields of singledom. Hang out with your single girlfriends alone, not with your husband creeping along. Be a wing girl, you have your man, so go help your sister find hers. And in the name of all that is good, holy and just TRY to refrain from dropping your husband’s name into every single sentence. (Trust me, we know you are married and so in love).
That’s all from me and the soapbox for now. PEACE.
- The Christian single twenty something,
Rachel
